Volume 1: In the Blood Ep. 30 - Heracles, The Pinnacle of Power
TRANSCRIPT - In the Blood Ep. 30 - Heracles, The Pinnacle of Power
Tau
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Tau
You’re listening to a parody that is not affiliated with or endorsed by Supergiant Games in any way, we’re just big ol’ nerds making improv fanfiction.
ROGUE RUNNERS is...rated R, for pretty much everything you can find in Greek Mythology: violence, assault, self-harm, offensive language, insensitive humor, and intense themes. We encourage everyone to check out our show notes and transcripts on our website at Whisperforge.org. Are you ready to run? Then welcome to Volume 1: In the Blood.
[SFX: Intro music. Transition into punchy music.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"My hair flows like the mane of the Nimean Lion, my biceps flex like the pulsing MUSCLES of the Erymanthian Boar. If you thought Narcisuss and Adonis were handsome, well you might as well be blind, because my name is (roaring) HERACLESSSSSS!!! (cough)"
[SFX: THUNDER!]
Tau
Bang! Another peal of thunder and it is a good thing that it is raining so much so as to not reveal how everyone is also just creaming themselves down the aisles.
[SFX: The crowd roars.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"And how do you spell Heracle(cough)es?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"I don't know, ask the Oracle of Delphi, idiot!
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Cool, I'll ask her after I kill you."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Yeah. (brief sputter) Whatever."
Michael (Arete)
"(whispers) We're supposed to try to be friendly first."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Wait, hold up. Real real quick, buddy, buddy. Where the fuck did you get Mjölnir?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh this shit? (laughs in a bro way) Yeah, so all your little legendary weapons, you got those from sphinxes, right?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Yeah."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Yeah, so that was too easy for me. I ended up strangling the Sphinx. And, uh..."
Michael (Arete)
"(gasp)"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"It was too easy, I left them there. (laughs) This little baby yeah, quite the story. If you can, uh, touch me then you go ahead and have it. (chuckles) How about that."
Michael (Arete)
"Is, are-are you offering?"
Tau
(chuckles)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"That's, uh, all if you have any grapeseed oil or not. You gonna oil me up, oil boy?"
Michael (Arete)
"You can call me that or whatever else you want," and, uh, Arete is like blushing profusely.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(grunts)." The sounds of flexing are in the background.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Listen, Hercales, you want to fight, we'll fight. We'll put on a show. But I need to know where did you get that?"
Amanda (Annie)
"(quickly) Or we could just talk! Hey, hey, (nervously laughs) hi. We could totally like, you seem really interesting with your like thunder. And this looks beautiful, awesome ambiance. Love what you've done. Every other Colosseum is kind of like boring. You know? So like, maybe? I don't know this, you seem really interesting."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Enough wench."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Hey!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"This is a byproduct of my energy. So it goes wherever it goes with me. Alright? (laughs in douchebag) So who's that? Who's that? The mousy one?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Ummm."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Hey, fuck you. My name is Rolf."
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, I wasn't even pointing to you. But alright, I'll take that. (stetches) Neat."
Michael (Arete)
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Guys, if we're gonna fight, make it look cool for my followers. All right? What's up, y'all? (laughs) They're here to see Bloodsport."
Tau
Yeah. And then you see Heracles holds up one of those mirrors that you saw from Apple of Discord. And you see just like all these like little like runes of comments just like piling up on that mirror.
[SFX: Comments bubble.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What's up livestream! 'Bout to kick these fools, try and get a little bit more weight on my pecs. (chuckles) Check it out."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"A spiritual influencer, really? That's the best you could do?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What, dude? My followers are blood hungry for some pain crashin', you know what I'm talking about? That's right, historians. (laughs)"
Nicholas (Alexander)
(laughs)
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Hold up, so you, you do this for the attention, right? You like the fans, you- the adoration and all of that?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(low, an aside) I couldn't give a flying flip about these fans. I do for the gains, baby. Do it for the sick gains. That's right. And also got to tell you something, I'm bored. (scoffs) Zeus is just a hurlin' down these lightning bolts, I'm like, hey dad, come on. You know, what is this? My free time is valuable so..."
[SFX: Crrrrack.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Cracks knuckles.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"So why you fighting us and not someone actually on your level? Hm? Pick on someone your own size. Why don't you go fight... I don't know. Zeus?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, I thought you were on my level. Guess not (laughs). NEXT!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Oh, I'm definitely not. We can take you there though."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Where's that?"
Tau
At this moment, a little halfling on a pulley system is reeled down from the sky. And he says, "It looks like we have our first baby Olympiad entry person, the champion of Zeus! HERACLES!"
[SFX: The crowd cheers.]
Tau
And then there's another peal of thunder.
[SFX: Thunder CRASHES.]
Tau
And then in the wind, you see his shitty little toga just like blow away in the wind and he kind of tries to claw at it and then just his like little naked body is yanked away by the pulley system again.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Jeremy your butt's exposed, you gotta get a tighter knot on that, all right?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Heyheyhey, that is Koalemos, ya asshole."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, whatever his name is, he's not that hot. Haha."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"What? I-I think he's kind of... he's cute."
Amanda (Annie)
While Heracles is talking, Annie would like to just go up and gently just like touch one of his pecs. And she's gonna be like, "Wow, you really, you really worked out, huh." And, are you letting me, can I touch your pec?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Do you have the oil?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Yes, right here!" And Annie will place her hand on your pec.
Tau
Alright, the moment Annie places a hand on his pec, all of your crystals begin to change color.
[SFX: A low buzz builds then cuts as a sharp DING! rings out.]
Tau
So everybody roll any die, and tell me whether you get odds or evens.
Michael (Arete)
Arete rolls odd.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Rolf rolls even.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Even.
Amanda (Annie)
Even.
Michael (Arete)
I'm the odd man out. (sensible chuckle)
Tau
Okay, so Arete. Your crystal turns dark blue and then also your whole body is covered in this dark blue static.
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Tau
Annie, Alexander, and Rolf, your crystals turn bright orange.
[SFX: Low buzz builds then ding! DING! Ding!]
Tau
And your bodies are covered in this bright orange static. Furthermore, the entire ground of the battlefield starts crackling with this dark blue static and Mjölnir starts crackling with this bright orange static.
[SFX: Low electrical buzz.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Are you ready, buddy?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"So which hit do you want to take? The ground or Mjölnir, everyone?"
Amanda (Annie)
(nervous laughter bubbling) "I guess the ground."
Amanda (Annie)
I guess the ground but can Annie still cast that spell or no?
Tau
Roll initiative.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
For the record, Hercules was definitely really disappointed that he didn't get an oiled pec.
Amanda (Annie)
Hey, hey, hey, listen, I got 19. So maybe you will.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Three.
Nicholas (Alexander)
13.
Michael (Arete)
9 for Arete.
Tau
Heracles, what did you get?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
18, baby.
Tau
Ah, did you add your dex modifier to that?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(sensual) Oh no.
Tau
I believe that puts you at 27?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
You're right, plus nine.
Tau
All right, so the way this will work is that Annie, because you were initiating this, you can go first but after that we're going to move through regular initiative order and then skip your 19.
Amanda (Annie)
Okay, Annie just wanted to cast bestow curse on Heracles. I touch a creature and that creature has to make a wisdom saving throw.
Tau
Alright, you want to roll that up, Heracles?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Sure thing, it tickles.
Tau
Remember Aplatus will, by the way.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
How could I forget?
Amanda (Annie)
What the shit is that?
Nicholas (Alexander)
We'll find out.
Amanda (Annie)
I don't wanna.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I rolled a 16.
Amanda (Annie)
(sighs) I guess meets it, beats it, huh.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"I really got to teach you how to do these blood crystal things, Annie."
Amanda (Annie)
"That's gross. That stuff comes out of your nose. That's real weird man. I'm just, sorry."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"It comes out of anywhere with blood, I just do it that way for fun."
Tau
All righty. Now it is Heracles' turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Heracles wants to jump into the air...
[SFX: A quick whip through the air.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...and like a point to spread his legs so that everyone can see (laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
... under his toga.
Tau
(laughs)
Tau
Amazing.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
He yells from like 60 feet in the air, "GET A GOOD LOOK, BABIES!" and proceeds to do magnetic calling. Everyone who is opposite to the charge, what is charge Mjölnir right now? It's positive?
Tau
Yes, so Mjölnir's charge is positive.
Michael (Arete)
Oh, son of a bitch. Opposites attract and Arete goes flying into the sky.
[SFX: Arete whips through the air.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That sounds like a plan to me!
Players
(quiet laughter)
Tau
Yep. Yeah, you go flying straight into Mjölnir and...
Tau
... it's like, you know those like those like automatic like batter machines that like throws a baseball at you? Yeah, so basically just Arete has been launched...
Nicholas (Alexander)
Jesus.
Michael (Arete)
"(grunts and yells)"
Tau
... at Heracles and Heracles, it is your turn to just do the second part of magnetic calling.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna thunder slam (rolls the R) Arete right down to the ground but as I do so, I want to make a point to look him directly in the eye and go "(whispers) Not a chance," as like I slam him to the ground. "(grunts)"
[SFX: A BOOM as they hit the ground.]
Amanda (Annie)
Can we catch him on the fall, Arete?
Tau
Okay, roll up your thunderous slam.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
17.
Tau
Oh, it is more than that.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, you guys, that's it. Oh, it's like don't even worry about it, Tau.
Tau
Yeah, you got it. Yeah, you hit. (chuckles)
Michael (Arete)
"(croaking) Iris!"
[SFX: Glimmery chime.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's a... 15... plus 21 to hit.
Michael (Arete)
(throatily yells)
Tau
So he gets a 36 to hit, Arete does that hit?
Michael (Arete)
Um, yeah it does.
Tau
(laughs) Okay.
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Michael (Arete)
Surprisingly enough. It's as if it was designed to always hit, I don't know.
Tau
No, he can still crit fail.
Michael (Arete)
You're right.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Gimme 23, baby.
Tau
So Arete, you basically just get served up to Heracles who just says "Not a chance," blows you a kiss, then just absolutely smites you down into the ground. You take 23 thunder damage. Additionally, you take nine bludgeoning damage as you crash into the ground.
[SFX: Boom!]
Michael (Arete)
As I fall to the ground, Arete calls out to Athena...
[SFX: Metallic clang chime of Athena's boon.]
Michael (Arete)
...and then as he hits the ground, he comes...
[SFX: Wshhh.]
Tau
(laughs) Okay.
Michael (Arete)
...from being told that he's nothing.
Tau
(laughs) Okay. That seems about right.
Michael (Arete)
"(groans in pain and pleasure)"
Tau
Oh and actually I realized that's actually one of your legendary actions, Heracles. So you're supposed to do that on someone else's turn. So you still resolve your actions for your turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Copy that. Next, I'd like to cast a lightning storm, baby.
[SFX: A crashing boom!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So, uh, gimme some saving throws guys. (laughs like a jerk)
Tau
Yes, everybody needs to make dexterity saving throws.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Critical! 29.
Amanda (Annie)
(to herself) And then you do eight plus four... (calling out) 27 for Annie.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I'm gonna use the inspiration Arete gave us in the colloseum to reroll. That's better, dirty 20.
Michael (Arete)
I got a 12, so yeah.
Tau
Okay, so Arete, you take 27 lightning damage.
[SFX: Lightning STRIKES.]
Michael (Arete)
"(as if electrocuted) Gu-ZZ-zz-ZZZ-zzz"
Tau
You're also stunned until the end of your next turn.
Michael (Arete)
"(listless) Oooo, ehhhuuuhh."
Nicholas (Alexander)
(wheeze laughs)
Tau
Everybody else takes 13 lightning damage.
[SFX: Boom!]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Oh!
Tau
All right. Now it is initiative 20. At which point something happens in the battlefield. The ground changes from a dark blue glow to a bright orange glow. Like as the static changes color.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
The ground or Mjölnir?
Tau
The ground.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
So everything is orange now.
Michael (Arete)
Except for me, baby!
Tau
Yep.
Amanda (Annie)
(tiredly cautious) Okay.
Tau
So now that the crystals have changed colors, now what you realize is that you can expend a bonus action to change the color of your crystal from dark blue or to bright orange.
Amanda (Annie)
Annie is so confused as to how exactly these crystals are working. So I don't, I'll worry about the bonus action later. "Arete, are you okay?" Annie's gonna run over to Arete.
Michael (Arete)
Arete kinda... is in a post... hit, but also post orgasm high, and he just kinda like...
Amanda (Annie)
Ew.
Michael (Arete)
..."Is this done?" state. And he kinda just goes "(mumbles incoherently)."
Michael (Arete)
"Vaguely affirmative mumbling)"
Amanda (Annie)
"Okay, I don't know what that means, buddy." Annie's just gonna like gently pat Arete's head, be like, "Hey, you're gonna be okay. Just just sit this one out. Okay?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Shhh. Mhmm. Mhmm, buddy, okay," and Annie is gonna turn back and she is going to cast... Melf's acid arrow on Heracles. That's a 22 to hit.
Tau
That does not hit.
Amanda (Annie)
(short yell of frustration) "Rolf. Alex. Just in case you weren't aware. If this were a game, a 22 would not hit. Do with that what you will. I'm gonna, I'm going to stay with Arete for a bit, make sure... make sure he's gonna be okay."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"(incoherently yet musically mumbles)."
Nicholas (Alexander)
Well I can't do anything except swing a sword. So.
Amanda (Annie)
Yeah, and Annie's gonna also disengage and the bonus action, just to up that AC for the future.
[SFX: Quiet boon chime.]
Tau
Okay.
Amanda (Annie)
Thank you.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Quick note. You know how the Rock does that, uh, that pectoral flexor maneuver? Yeah?
Players
Yeah/ Yes.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So he does that in midair but lightning just shoots out each nipple.
[SFX: High pitched little squirts of lightning.]
Tau
Alexander, it's your turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"How are you, bud? It's been a long time no see, huh? (chuckles) You lost some gains there."
Nicholas (Alexander)
I don't think I can do a goddamn thing.
Tau
You certainly can. I know for a fact that you can.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay, I have one javelin but then after that, it's gone. Sure. Let's just try the javelin. "This is it, buddy." He kisses the javelin. And it's a... 16.
Michael (Arete)
I'm wondering if you guys are able, now that the ground is the same color as your static, use it in a way to propel yourself into the air.
Amanda (Annie)
Hmmm!
Michael (Arete)
Because magnets are up and when it's the same magnets, they like push each other away. I don't know how that would work, but just a thought to put in your heads.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I'll let another guinea pig do that.
Tau
So Alexander, you throw a javelin...
[SFX: It whiffs it in the air.]
Tau
...and a bolt of lightning strikes it...
[SFX: Boom!]
Tau
...and it's disintegrated.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Yeah. And then I'll just dash to get my AC.
[SFX: Dash splash!]
Michael (Arete)
Arete, in his stunned stupor, just kind of... he's been thinking in his head while he's been stunned about something and he goes "(mumbles incoherently, the intonation like an explanation but unintelligible)" and that's his turn.
Amanda (Annie)
"Go to sleep. Go to sleep, buddy."
Michael (Arete)
(sigh)
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"That doesn't belong to you!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What? I can't hear you I'm doing a q&a with my followers."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Oh, let me know if you hear this," and I'm gonna cast witch bolt with a blood crystal.
Tau
Okay
Giancarlo (Rolf)
God dammit!
Tau
A one?
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Yeah.
Tau
So yeah, you fire witch bolt...
[SFX: A low boom.]
Tau
...it completely whips past Heracles. The audience like just laughs.
[SFX: Jeering laughter.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Listen, man. Why are you doing this? What is your aim? I promise you, we can give you more satisfying outcomes, just talk to us."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"More satisfying than 200 million 1000 followers? (scoff laughs)"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"How about the rest of eternity forever?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"I don't got that to worry about. I'm a turtle baby, I'm a demigod. I wrestle other gods, dude, I don't care. (douchebag laugh)"
Tau
And then take a legendary action, Heracles.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Rolf puts his arms out and he says, "Do it. Kill us now, kill us 1000 times. If you do not work with us, I will erase you from the rest of time."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Work with you? I'm a one man party baby. (laughs)"Alright buddy. And I want to... I want to go ahead and the Hercules casts polarize.
Tau
Okay, so as you cast polarized, Mjölnir starts glowing with a dark blue static.
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Tau
And now Heracles, it is your turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Brilliant. I'm gonna go ahead and, uh, rerope myself. I've been naked this whole time (laughs) I've been exposed.
Tau
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go "Toga! Come here." As it gracefully floats onto my body again.
Tau
But like, on the toga, you see like a little anime face just blissful like "Ahhh, Heracles fatha."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Oh a hundred percent. So I'm dropping down right directly on top of whatever his name was. "Rolf was it, was it ROLF?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
He just stares at you.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
And he goes, "Ohhh, Jolf!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"(sarcastic) I'm so offended. Oh my god. Oh, my pride. I take 108 pride damage! Oh, God! You master of wit!"
Players
(laugh)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(laughs) Roll for constitution. I look down at Cholf and I say "You! You want to find out where I got this (mispronouncing on purpose) Ma-joe-nyer, whatever the hell it is? I'll tell you," and zoot scoots right down directly on top of him...
[SFX: Heracles WHIPS through the air.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...and goes ahead and multi attacks the poo out of him. Ooo!
Tau
Yeah. So make those multi attacks.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
I mean, they're gonna hit. (laughing) My armor class is 12.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead and give a-a swift smack to the face!
[SFX: SMACK!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Then a swift smack to the other side.
[SFX: SLAP!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
And then... a nipple twist... while i cackle. "(Hearty cackle) Ohohohohoho!"
Players
(chuckle)
Tau
What does that come out to in terms of attacks and damage?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
First slap, 19.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Oh, you rolled a 19? Fuck me, man. "Iris!"
[SFX: Iris' glimmery boon chime.]
Tau
I mean he shall. Okay. So with a call to Iris, you roll disadvantage on that attack. So just roll one more time and use the lower result.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Three... plus... 21. 24.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
That hits.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Alright second slap. Five. (giggles)
Tau
Okay.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Plus 21. 26.
Tau
Okay.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Titty twist is, uh, 13 plus 21.
Tau
All right, cool. So those are 23, 23, and 23. But we're subtracting nine Athena reduction.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
So 60 total?
Tau
Yeah.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Holy shit. Rolf takes the damage and Rolf kisses you like straight on the mouth, like hatefully.
Tau
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Kiss of a 1000 Helios suns.
Tau
I've gotta give Rolf inspiration.
[SFX: Inspiration DING!]
Tau
That's great.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"MWAH! Hit me again, bitch."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I recoil back and look very confused. And I, and my lips burn. "(panting) Hotter than Helios. I'll come back for you!"
Tau & Players
(laugh)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's it.
Tau
Now it is the battlefield's turn. So the battlefield, which is now glowing a bright orange static, emits this repulsive wave.
[SFX: A growl of static.]
Tau
And everybody other than Arete and Heracles get thrown up 90 feet into the air as you are repulsed and you are all floating 90 feet in the air.
[SFX: Their bodies woosh through the air.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"(cries out)." I'm very repulsed. I am also floating but I'm ex-specially repulsed.
Amanda (Annie)
Annie's just gonna have a little convo with Alex and Rolf real quick. "Guys. Um. I mean, I can heal you, I could do that. But I'm like, I-I-I-I don't-"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"One more hit like that, and he will hit, I'm dead."
Amanda (Annie)
"I can heal you, I'm just saying, I'll heal you now Rolf but I don't know what good it'll do. What are we-"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"It won't be much."
Amanda (Annie)
"Exactly!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Convince him to help us."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Yes, you are the best diplomatically speaking." (chuckles)
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah, but he's clearly very misogynistic and not gonna listen to me, hellLLOOO."
Amanda (Annie)
"Play into that."
Amanda (Annie)
"(retches)" Annie vomits, Annie vomits in midair.
[SFX: The vomit SPLASHES to the ground.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Swallow your pride and do it."
Amanda (Annie)
"(grumbles)"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Alexander, maybe you need to swallow something. It looks like he's into it."
Amanda (Annie)
"(grunts)" Annie vomits again. "Okay, okay. Okay, listen. (spits out vomit) I can try charming him with a spell that I don't know if that'll work. But, I don't know, should we just help him instead of hurt him?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Impressive power, go, hurt him. We're going to die just, hurt him."
Amanda (Annie)
"I can't hurt him! That's the whole point!"
Amanda (Annie)
"Remember what the Olympiad said, try to find out what he would respond to."
Amanda (Annie)
"Okay, well right now he's 90 feet below me so I can't really have a convo with him, ALEX."
Amanda (Annie)
"You're gonna miss anyway."
Amanda (Annie)
"Well now I just really want to try even harder."
Nicholas (Alexander)
(wheeze laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Meanwhile, Hercules is doing a tik tok dance. What looks to be like a like an ancient Grecian tik tok dance on the ground.
Tau
It's like, that's what they were doing on all the pots, like posed with their hands up.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
(bark of laughter)
Amanda (Annie)
Annie's gonna try casting Melf's acid arrow again at Heracles.
Tau
Okay, pretty sure you have like 900 of these.
Amanda (Annie)
Uh.That's a 26 to hit.
Tau
That does hit.
Amanda (Annie)
(whispers) Oh my gosh.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"YESSS ANASTASIA!!!!"
Amanda (Annie)
Ok.
Michael (Arete)
(laughs)
Amanda (Annie)
Rolf is just like floating spinning in midair as he screams.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Eh hee hee hee.
Amanda (Annie)
Okay, that is... boopboopboop.... that's 5d4. Annie's also going to call on Ares. "Ares, please guide this arrow."
[SFX: Ares boon shimmers and thunks.]
Amanda (Annie)
I'd also like to call on Dionysis for... a stack of hangovers.
[SFX: A cork pops and a voice goes "Mmmmm" for the Dionysus boom.]
Amanda (Annie)
I'll call on Aphrodite to try and get him charmed, why not?
[SFX: The Aphrodite boon gleams beautifully.]
Amanda (Annie)
And that's a 25 damage.
Tau
Okay, as the arrow strikes Heracles...
[SFX: The arrow strikes with a hisss.]
Tau
...you get the impression that it does 12 damage.
Amanda (Annie)
Yeah, of course it does, course it does.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Can he... can you try the Aphrodite or is it just not gonna work?
Tau
Well let's take a look at Heracle's condition immunities. Is charmed on that list of condition immunities, Heracles?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
It is.
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay.
Tau
So take a legendary action, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Can do. Where, if I might ask, did the arrow strike Heracles?
Amanda (Annie)
(aggressive) The nipple.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Which one?
Amanda (Annie)
(through gritted teeth) The LEFT one.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(cries out) What the hell? My favorite TEET! You'd look hotter if you were a GOOSE!"
Amanda (Annie)
"What?"
Tau
Oh the Apple does not fall far from the tree.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's what I'm saying.
Michael (Arete)
Arete starts honking and flapping his arms around like a bird. "(honks)"
Amanda (Annie)
Listen, Arete might be on the right track.
Tau
Do you take a legendary action, Heracles?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Yes, of course. I'm gonna go ahead and magnetic call everyone to the ground with more force than fall damage would suffice. "Gravity has nothing on my PECTORALS, man!"
Tau
So Annie, Alexander, and Rolf, you all three of you get yanked over to Mjölnir...
Michael (Arete)
"Woooooo!"
Tau
....and he is going to just punt you.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Yee!
Tau
Could you roll one thunderous slam and we'll resolve it that way.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's a 27.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Oh, bye ya'll.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Iris."
[SFX: Iris boon gleams.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Alright. 11.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Yesss.
Tau
Okay.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Plus 21.
Tau
So 32.
Nicholas (Alexander)
(disappointed) Oh.
Tau
The lower one was still the 26, right? So whoever would be hit by a 26, you take 23 thunder damage.
[SFX: Boom!]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"(cries out) AHHHH."
Amanda (Annie)
"(grunts)"
Tau
Also you all take 27 falling damage from the impact of being yanked from 90 feet in the air all the way down to Mjölnir.
[SFX: THUMPS and THUNKS]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
As Rolf falls to the ground, you see him just fall through the floor...
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
...and then you hear the sound of a crystal break...
[SFX: Soft woosh of the injector plunging down.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
...as his adrenaline autoinjector shoots off and you see him levitate in the air as the lightning gathers around his arms...
[SFX: Lightning crackles quietly.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
...and he brings out a red blood crystal to charge up and he goes "(intense) That doesn't BELONG to you!" And he casts down witch bolt at him with a blood crystal. Please god, let this land. That is a seven plus.. oh god, that's still not good. That's a 25.
Tau
That exactly hits.
[SFX: BOOM! Electricity buzzes.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"YES!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"TAKE IT BITCH, TAKE IIIT!"
Tau
All right, what type of damage is witch bolt?
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Uhhh, lightning. Oh shit.
Amanda (Annie)
Ohhh.
Michael (Arete)
Awwww.
Tau
You fire the witch bolt and you successfully hit and now you have that continuous arc of lightning on him and how much damage would that do?
Giancarlo (Rolf)
That would be 33 lightning damage as well as hangover.
Tau
Alright, so when you strike him with witch bolt, Heracles is like a conductor rod, like a lightning rod. And you are healing him as you're channeling this witch bolt into him.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Oh my god.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Ohhhh.
Tau
He is the champion of Zeus, y'all. I don't know what to tell you. (chuckles)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So for my legendary action, I want to cast a, a polarize and as I do so, I look towards Cholf and I say "Hey, listen Cholf! You want to know how I got this so bad? (laughs)"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"How many times you're gonna make the same dumb joke? Go, tell me."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What is your name? I need to know for real."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh okay, tight. Sorry man. I just, I didn't know. So, uh," as this is charging up it's just like just vibrating and healing at the same time. "Yeah, went to vacation on, uh, on Valhalla and saw this dude. Thra- Thror? What's his name? (scoffs) Whatever, buff dude, thinks he could take me. Got drunk one night, lost a bet. Wrestled him to the ground, got this little hammer thing. I use it for all my my projects. (laughs) I'm a carpenter in my spare time. Ding! Ding! Ding!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Rolf!"
[SFX: Mjölnir taps in sync with him.]
Amanda (Annie)
"Oh. Wow."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Yeah, I know, babe. Real nice. You're not a goose though. So."
Tau
And then Thor's hammer changes to a positive charge and becomes a bright orange static.
[SFX: Buzz then DING!]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"It's real. Valhalla's real?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, who me? Sorry man. I'm attacking. (laughs)"
Tau
And now it is Alexander' turn.
Nicholas (Alexander)
He's on the ground right?
Tau
Yeah.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Time to swing, see what I can do. Sword. I'm gonna dash into Heracles, like knocking into him. 22 doesn't land does it?
Tau
It does not hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
A natural 20. Here we go, people.
Tau
Okay, that will hit no matter what.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Yes. Okay, let's get the calculator out. Okay, that's 64 damage.
Tau
What type of damage actually?
Nicholas (Alexander)
That is slashing.
Tau
Alright, you get the impression that you do 32 damage.
[SFX: The sword lands with a wet thunk.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
And I'll attack one more time with Daedalus, see if I can get him, kay. I'm gonna roll with advantage because of Artemis...
[SFX: The glimmer chime of the Artemis boon.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
...just in case if I can crit again. 26.
Tau
That does hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
And that's 30. Which I guess is 15 slashing damage.
Tau
That's right.
Nicholas (Alexander)
And I'll add two hangovers with that.
[SFX: A cork pop echoes.]
Tau
Okay, take a legendary action, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Guys, uh. Gettin' a little lonely. (chuckles) Let's get that magnetic calling over here."
Tau
All right.
Michael (Arete)
Nooooo.
Tau
Arete gets yanked over and you can thunderous slam him.
Michael (Arete)
"Oh, oh I'm gonna thunderous slam him... with love."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Zhyeet!"
Michael (Arete)
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" as Arete goes flying through the air.
Michael (Arete)
"Please?"
Tau
(laughs) Oh my god.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Oddly enough, Heracles flips Mjölnir's handle around...
[SFX: The hammer quickly whips around.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...and is holding just the base of the hammer.
Michael (Arete)
And I impale myself on it...
[SFX: A wet shlink! as he slides onto it.]
Michael (Arete)
...and I just ride the hammer.
Tau
Go for it.
Michael (Arete)
Yep, that's where we're going?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(laughs)
Michael (Arete)
Okay, great love it.
Amanda (Annie)
Annie would like to leave.
Tau
Arete's WAP is throbbing.
Tau & Players
(laugh)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
His, his Wet Ass Peloponnesian War.
Tau
Oh my goodness.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's gonna be an 11 plus 21... 32 (gasps) math.
Tau
Okay, does that hit Arete?
Michael (Arete)
Um. Yeah.
Tau
Okay.
Michael (Arete)
Shockingly enough it does.
Tau
Okay, you take 23 thunder damage.
[SFX: Boom!]
Tau
And he punts you 15 feet away.
[SFX: Woosh!]
Michael (Arete)
As I get punted away I go, "Athenaaaa!"
[SFX: Metallic clang and chime of the Athena boon.]
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Michael (Arete)
And only take 20 damage. Arete very like stiffly gets up from the ground. He's like, "Ow, my back, it must have been thrown out," and then you see Arete shimmer for a moment. And there's a popping sound...
[SFX: POP!]
Michael (Arete)
...as he disappears. Arete goes behind Heracles. He pulls out a sticker from his bag and he attempts to mark him for death. Please make a constitution saving throw, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
You bet. Four plus 15 it's a 19, baby.
Michael (Arete)
(dramatically sighs) He needed to critically fail to even be considered... to- even if he critically fails it still like hits the DC. Geez Louiiiiiiiise.
Tau
He only has two of those, everybody only has two saving throws.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So mine are left bicep... and right. I gotta salvage 'em, baby. (laughs obnoxiously)
Michael (Arete)
So as I throw the sticker, I get distracted by Heracles' rippling back musculature. And I-I just like fling the sticker but like totally miss as I'm hypnotized.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Rolf is going to zoot around in the circle as he's flying.
[SFX: Splash dash.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
And then, there is one crystal buried in Heracles from having landed the witch bolt and he is going to recall with the mist blood crystal from earlier and as it flies up a kind of orbits around him and approaches his palm as it flies through the fire bolt he's cooking up in his right hand. And he unleashes a torrent of flame upon Heracles.
[SFX: A crackling BOOM.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
And that is going to be a... five...
[SFX: Rolls dice.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
That is a 34 to hit.
Tau
That does hit.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Yeah! And then of course he calls upon the fucking pantheon.
[SFX: Boons chime.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
(wheeze laughs)
Giancarlo (Rolf)
That is 19 fire damage.
Tau
Okay, you get the sense that you deal... nine fire damage to him.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Great. I've done one quarter of what I healed him for last turn. "Enjoy that team!" (laughs maniacally) as he flies in circles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Barbecue is my FAVORITE!"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"He's resistant to fire!"
Tau
Heracles, take a legendary action.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(sniff sniff... sniff sniff)" He sniffs himself. "I love the smell of pork. (grunts)"
Michael (Arete)
"I'll give you something to pork." (winky face)
Amanda (Annie)
Ohhhhhhh (laughs).
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
He barely hears it, Hera-Heracles barely hears what just transpired and casts a repulsive wave on everyone around him.
Tau
Okay, so Annie, Alexander, and Rolf, you all have to make a strength saving throw. Heracles basically slams Mjölnir into the ground and a magnetic force repels all of you
[SFX: Static growl]
Amanda (Annie)
Ohhhh no.
Nicholas
Add four because you're with me.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
19. I'm assuming I'm not gonna get the plus four because I'm in the air.
Tau
Nope.
Amanda (Annie)
It's gonna be a 13.
Tau
So everybody takes 22 lightning damage...
[SFX: Boom!]
Tau
...and all of you are flung 60 feet away from him.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
18, call on Athena.
Amanda (Annie)
"Athena!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Guys... spoiler alert! Thunderous slam, let's get it!"
[SFX: Clanking boon chime.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Athena! Gah!"
[SFX: Clanking boon chime.]
Tau
Alright, who are you doing it on?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Hmmm. Mmm. Wanna get close to Rolf, so I zoot in the air...
[SFX: Woosh!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...right to him, Mjölnir aimed at me, I'm a javelin myself. I've somehow slimmed down all my muscles and compartmentalize my mass. As I javelin towards him and go, "You know, I love how talkative you are. Just like the Hydra. Got so many mouths, saying so many words. So little time."
Michael (Arete)
"I've got a couple of mouths for you too, buddy."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What!"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Arete, focus!"
Tau
You want to roll up those slams?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
We got 31 total.
Tau
Okay, that hits.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's a 38 total.
Tau
And then what's your third.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Alright, it's 26.
Tau
Okay. So you take 60... I've already accounted for Athena. So you take...
[SFX: Three clanking hits whip through the air.]
Tau
...20, 20, 20 thunder damage as he just smashes Mjölnir into you.
Tau
Okay, Rolf dies...
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
...and uses his death defying to come back with eight HP.
Tau
All right, you're there.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"AHA! (grunts)"
[SFX: A woosh then clang of a bell.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Can we give damage to Heracles from acid arrow and Dionysus?
Tau
Yeah, how much?
Michael (Arete)
I don't think I've hit him at all.
Nicholas (Alexander)
So I hit him twice.
Amanda (Annie)
I hit him once.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Rolf also hit him twice, once with actual damage, once for healing.
Nicholas (Alexander)
So that should be five.
Tau
Okay, so he has five hangover stacks so far.
[SFX: A cork pop echoes.]
Amanda (Annie)
And it's two for the acid damage.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Does that get Ares?
Tau
Yeah it should.
[SFX: A thunking boon chime for Ares.]
Amanda (Annie)
It does?
Tau
Yeah.
Amanda (Annie)
Oh, okay. (sing songy) And that is 13.
Tau
Okay, you do get the sense that instead he takes six.
[SFX: Disappointed trombone.]
Amanda (Annie)
Yeah.
Tau
Now it is the battlefield's turn. The battlefield is going to once again emit a repulsive wave and Annie, Alexander, and Rolf, if you're not in the air already, you are pushed up 90 feet into the air.
Amanda (Annie)
"(Grunts)" Annie's gonna cast second level cure wounds on Rolf before he dies again.
[SFX: Longing notes plucked on the viol.]
Amanda (Annie)
Er, that 14 health, back to you buddy.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Thank you Anastasia."
Amanda (Annie)
"I'm sorry it's not more, Rolf."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"You have nothing to apologize for."
Amanda (Annie)
"I'm sorry that he's targeting you and I'm sorry that-"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"You're a sweet cinnamon roll and I love you. Now kill him!"
Amanda (Annie)
"Uhh. I can't make any promises, Rolf." Annie's gonna call down to Heracles and really just hopes that like he hears her. "Uh, Mr. Fantabulous Heracles, I have a I have a question. Just, I know, a lowly peasant wench girl."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"A question?"
Amanda (Annie)
"A question of from a devoted fan, if you will."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, I take questions from all my fans. What is it?"
Amanda (Annie)
"I was just wondering, are you currently seeing anyone?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(chuckles) Oh, how old are you?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Well, I'm I'm asking for a friend."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh. I am seeing someone (chuckles) it's myself."
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"She's got a dump truck though."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, she got a dump truck?"
Giancarlo (Rolf)
"Yeah!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Ohohohoho. Well so do I." Flex his butt.
Tau
Okay.
Tau
Let me point out that now on the video call, we have Gio's butt.
[SFX: Record scratch.]
Players
(laugh)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Still clothed.
Tau
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. "Clothed." That's what we'll tell them.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(giggles)
Amanda (Annie)
"Is that a yes or...?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"This isn't the right time. What do you really want? Tell me."
Amanda (Annie)
"No, I'm just asking because I think it would just be a really nice sense of like drama for all your fans on your live stream. You know what I'm saying? And for all the beautiful people this colosseum, amI right?" And Annie's gonna gesture out towards the audience and see if she can kind of get them in on the action here. See what they want, what do they want to see right now?
Tau
What are you trying to get them in on?
Amanda (Annie)
Get them in on this action! I want to get them hyped. Do they want to see Heracles finally (claps in rhythm) get into a committed and devoted relationship with someone other than himself? We have some three lovely bachelors here. You know what I'm saying?
Michael (Arete)
Arete starts waving.
Amanda (Annie)
I think we can turn this show around 100%.
Tau
Uh, make a performance check...?
Amanda (Annie)
(cackles) Okay. Fift- 25.
Tau
Okay. Yeah, so the audience seems enthusiastic about that prospect.
[SFX: The audience cheers.]
Amanda (Annie)
"Heracles, just imagine all the other followers you will get by just finally maybe potentially getting with someone! Imagine the drama. Imagine the stakes. Imagine your pecs just glistening with three beautiful bachelors finally just really just making you moist!. You hear me?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Heracles the entire time is looking out absent mindedly, almost with a with a gaze of like, just like a honey roasted ham. He's just like a "(pants)" mouth watering, eyes twitching, barely listening. "Is that what you want? You wanna date me so bad? (laughs) Let's see what the crowd thinks. Ohhhh! They want me to whoop you! (laughs mockingly) Come here."
Amanda (Annie)
"It wasn't for me. I literally said three other people."
Tau
Does that conclude your turn Annie?
Amanda (Annie)
I guess so! (laughs)
Tau
All right, take a legendary action, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead and polarize because, I want to change my mind later on.
Tau
All right, so Mjölnir takes on a negative charge as it starts glowing with a dark blue static.
[SFX: Buzz then DING!]
Amanda (Annie)
Oh shit.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"The color of deoxygenated blood. Who said I was stupid? (laughs)"
Nicholas (Alexander)
Can I use the dash to ride over to Heracles, like in midair?
Tau
Sure. How do you plan to do that?
Nicholas (Alexander)
Well, I'm floating in midair and I hope that the wave carries me.
Tau
So think about this for a second. Okay, so listen, you're floating in the air. You know you have a crystal in your hand... that is positive. You know that Mjölnir is negative. So do you think that using this crystal somehow, such as holding it out, would allow you to move towards it, somehow?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Wow.
Nicholas (Alexander)
So I'm going to pull out the crystal that's magnetized toward him with my sword out towards him...?
Tau
Yep, you can do that.
[SFX: The sword whips out.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay.
Tau
Up to your movement.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Up to my movement.
[SFX: Wooosh.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Come on advantage, be... okay. 25, meets it, beats it?
Tau
That does hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Cool. That's 32. So 16. As I plunge into his 12 pack.
[SFX: The toga tears.]
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I'm gonna pull it out, to swing at him. 27.
Tau
That does hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
29.
Tau
So that becomes 14.
[SFX: A glancing clang.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
And then I'll try one more with Daedalus... and a 26.
Tau
Nice. That does hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Awesome. Calling on Olympus.
[SFX: Boon chimes cascade.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
That'll do... and a 31 on that last hit.
[SFX: A cascade of slashes.]
Tau
Alright, cool. You got the sense that you've knocked off more than 10% of Heracles.
[SFX: Deep piano notes boom.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
(gasps, aghast) That's it?
Tau
(matter of fact) Yeah.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Ooooyoyoy. Okay. I'm gonna heal up now.
Tau
Heracles, take a legendary action.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
As the sword pierces my impressive and glistening 12 pack, I say "(scoffs) You're tryna shish kebab this barbecue? Ha. Real nice. But for real though, who is negative on the field?"
Tau
Negative on the field is Arete. And then positive is Annie, Alexander, and Rolf. And the ground.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
All right, great. I'm going to polarize.
Tau
So you change yours to positive?
Giancarlo (Rolf)
That's right.
[SFX: Buzz then DING!]
Tau
Okay. Arete, it is your turn.
Michael (Arete)
"Heracles. You're-you're so strong and, and handsome and obviously the champion of Elysium. Is there anything that you even want anymore? You just must have it made, man."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"You're so right, young boy, young small child. You know, I've never considered this before. Truly, there is nothing that I want more than to decapitate all of you and use your bodies as weights to get me more thick gains for this hot bod. Oh, with your permission of course. (laughs like a bro)"
Michael (Arete)
"I don't grant you permission for that. But wouldn't it be better to be like lifting the bodies of the gods? Imagine the gains you could get from THAT, bro." And Arete crosses his arms and tilts his head.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Somehow you make a convincing argument, young child boy."
Michael (Arete)
"Y-yeah, bro. Yeah."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Sick. Well, so far you haven't proven to me anything. You've been merely scratched my Adonis-like bod. If you were to bring back more people, maybe we could talk but... (laughs) as I see it, now you are puny ants, but to my... colossal shadow."
Michael (Arete)
"So power in numbers is what you're saying, bro."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Bring your followers, I'll see if we can have a viral sensation on our hands. (laughs) Atlas is my friend."
Michael (Arete)
And with that Arete is going to take out his crystal and he's going to use his bonus action to change the charge on himself.
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Tau
Okay, so now everybody and everything is positive.
Michael (Arete)
I don't know if I've done something better for myself or not. I really can't tell at this point anymore.
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Michael (Arete)
That's the end of Arete's turn.
Tau
Okay, legendary action, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Well, because everyone is positive as well as Mjölnir, I want to go ahead and... cast a little repulsive wave such that I ground pound the floor, we get a shock wave of, of concrete dirt.
[SFX: Explosive, deep BOOM!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
And just flings everyone into the surrounding walls, any bleachers where the stands are. The crowd is like cheering in disbelief...
[SFX: The crowd cheers.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...as there is a fully grown person jettisoning right towards them "(screech yells in exhilaration)" just like, it's this horrible massacre. They don't even care. They're so dope. They're so like excited.
Tau
Everybody makes a strength saving throw.
Amanda (Annie)
No! 22.
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Well, I rolled a one so that's 6.
Nicholas (Alexander)
16.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Seven from Arete.
Michael (Arete)
Can I use my inspiration to reroll the saving throw?
Tau
Sure.
[SFX: High pitched inspiration DING!]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
Does a 17 save?
Tau
It does not. So Annie, through some sheer force of will, you feel this powerful like magnetic repulsion and you resist it. Everybody else takes 22 lightning damage...
[SFX: CRACK of lightning!]
Tau
... and they are all flung in opposite directions.
Michael (Arete)
As I get flung back, you just hear Arete go "(high pitched) ATHENA!".
[SFX: Clanging Athena boon chime.]
Tau
(laughs) Okay.
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Giancarlo (Rolf)
You see Rolf splat against the wall...
[SFX: THUNK.]
Giancarlo (Rolf)
...and the fountain of blood comes out.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Aw.
Amanda (Annie)
Nooooo!
Tau
Rolf is K-O'd. So one of the banners on the colosseum wall that shows Rolf's face, shows a big slash through it with blood...
[SFX: RRRRRIP.]
Tau
...as he has been removed from the battle. So everybody else takes the 22 lightning damage.
[SFX: Lightning cracks in the distance.]
Tau
Furthermore, you all take nine bludgeoning damage as you collide into... if you were on the ground, you collide into the colosseum walls, and if you're in the air, you collide into an invisible wall where the audience would be above it.
[SFX: Bodies thunk.]
Players
(collective oofs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
As I see this happen, I look at Rolf's pulpy, pulpy bloody body. Just (makes sqeaking noises as the body drags down the wall) just like rolling down...
Players
(laugh)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
... like a confused bird on a skyscraper. And I say, "Hey, you know what? I'll give it to your friend. He's pretty brave, but, uh, (laughs) pretty stupid. Listen, let them know that that Thor is real. Valhalla is real. If that matters to him at all, that's my vacation spot. He seemed pretty passionate about that. (gutterally laughs)"
Tau
All right, you do that. It is now Heracles' actual turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
All right. Heracles on the ground, obviously copyrighted superhero landing position of course, and opt to polarize Mjölnir, making him negative opposing...
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...the floor and the three remaining team members. Also I get a satisfaction from feeling the vibration. I'm just "(jolting, satisfied noises)" It's important to know.
Tau
The battleground is going to change its charge to negative as well. So now the ground is billowing with like a dark blue static.
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Tau
And it is... Annie's turn.
Amanda (Annie)
Okay. Annie's gonna like air swim over to Alex, I guess. And like just a nice little doggy paddle. "Hey! Alex. Alex, are you okay?"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"(disoriented) Ehh."
Amanda (Annie)
"Alex, how you doing, buddy? Come on. Stay with me." She's gonna smack your face a lil'bit like (smacks face lightly and rapidly) "Hey, come on. Come on, big guy."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Oh-oh. Thank (clears throat)"
Amanda (Annie)
"How are you feeling?"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Oh. I'm pretty good, is 101... percent. 101% there." (laughs)
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs) "Alex, I really don't, I-I... this isn't looking too good. We already lost Rolf. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm running out of spells. I just want you to know I'm really sorry if we don't make it out of here."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Do your best."
Amanda (Annie)
"Okay. I-I will." And... (singing) oh, what's the point of being alive?
Tau
Herc is just flexing and making faces at his like glass mirror thing. If you want, you can still use your action. Like you can still use your turn to talk to him. Just reminding you that, like you did before.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Yeah, you're also the best diplomatically speaking."
Amanda (Annie)
"Have you talked to, have you heard Heracles talk? You can't talk to this guy. I want to talk to this guy. I tried! I-I, you heard me I put on a whole new like ohhh, ooo, (blecchh), like, come on."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"(tired) Okay. Give me all the healing and I'll cut him down as best as I can."
Tau
Also, not only Annie has to talk to him.
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah! Yeah, Alex. Come on. That's your (deep) bro-ther. Why don't you try?"
Amanda (Annie)
"I don't know what to say except to try to impress him perhaps in battle."
Amanda (Annie)
"Be a bro! Just go be a bro! You- if you just change your voice a little bit and like, you'd basically be one. Look at you, look at look at you." And Annie's like gesturing all over to him like, while flying mid air. It's like, "Look at that! Come on."
Amanda (Annie)
"And what would you have me say?"
Amanda (Annie)
"You keep telling us to use our strength. Well, HELLO. Get down there and flex man, flex!"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Flex?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Flex! Flex if it's the last thing you have to do. And it very well might be so just flex! Maybe just maybe just- hey. Hey, Heracles! Hey, Heracles! Hey," Annie's gonna call down to Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Sup!"
Amanda (Annie)
"Heracles! Um."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Yeah?"
Amanda (Annie)
"My my buddy here, my (ppbt) my stinky buddy here really thinks that he can take you in an arm wrestle? Can you (laughing) BELIEVE?"
Tau
He did just recount a story about beating Thor in an arm wrestle.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What?"
Amanda (Annie)
"(laughs)"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Uh, Annie."
Amanda & Nicholas
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"An arm wrestle, you say?"
Amanda (Annie)
"(laughing) Yeah!"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Annie, this is..."
Amanda (Annie)
"Alex, come on."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What was it, you sacrifice my brother for an arm wrestle? Hey, Alex!"
Amanda (Annie)
"I'm just saying!" And can Annie cast a bardic inspiration on Alex, her last one?
Tau
Yeah.
Amanda (Annie)
Sweet. "Here you go, buddy."
[SFX: The viol plays a jaunty tune.]
Amanda (Annie)
And she's gonna smack him on the back as hard as she can. (smacks)
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Oh!"
Amanda (Annie)
"Good luck. If it happens. Good luck. I'm really sorry." Also, wait, bonus action, I would like to switch my charge.
Tau
Okay, so Annie, you're negative?
[FX: Buzz then DING!]
Amanda (Annie)
Yes, she sure feels it.
Tau
Herc, take your legendary action.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead at the prospect of armwrestling my forlorn brother is appealing as I've never arm wrestled with a toothpick before.
Amanda & Nicholas
(wheeze laughter)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So I want to go ahead and cast a magnetic calling to draw him near to me.
Tau
Okay, it will pull both Alexander and Arete to you.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Perfect, my opponent and a fan! Alright, boys, let's commence!" I take off my toga...
Michael (Arete)
Oh.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...once more.
Tau
Okay.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Wrap it around, and bind both Alexander and Herc's arms together in one union of strength.
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I bend Arete down to be the table, we use his back as the table. (laughs)
Michael (Arete)
(grunts)
Nicholas (Alexander)
He gets on his hands and knees.
Michael (Arete)
"It's a pleasure, sirs. It's a pleasure."
Nicholas (Alexander)
(laughs)
Tau
Okay, here's how this is going to work. So, Alexander and Arete, both roll athletics and add those scores together.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay.
Tau
Now Hercules.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Yeah?
Tau
Roll a d20. Add the modifier that it shows under strength and add your proficiency bonus and roll with advantage.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Copy that.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I'm going to add Annie's inspiration.
Amanda (Annie)
1d10, baby, 1d10.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Yeah, a dirty 20 for me.
Michael (Arete)
I got a 26.
Nicholas (Alexander)
46.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I got a 28
Tau
So you are armwrestling with Herc...
Tau
...and you snap the toga and shove Herc's arm away from you guys.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"(grunts with effort)"
Tau
"(grunts loudly) What say this?!"
Amanda (Annie)
Oh, snap.
Amanda (Annie)
"It's in our blood brother."
Amanda (Annie)
(gasp)
Nicholas (Alexander)
"It's in our blood." (laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"You've gotten stronger! You're not the crouton I remember you were, Alex."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"And you Heracle's are not just the beefcake that I once laid mine eyes on. You are the whole cow."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Moo! Moo!"
Michael (Arete)
"And I'm just the side salad enjoying the show."
Everyone
(laughs)
Amanda (Annie)
Inspiration! Inspiration!
Tau
Inspiration.
[SFX: Inspiration DING!]
Tau
(still laughing) Oh my god, oh my lord.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Does Herc take any damage from that?
Tau
No, he doesn't take damage.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Of course not, dust it off.
Amanda (Annie)
Except your ego.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Brother, why waste our talents? We have become so strong. We can run this thing."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"It's gonna take more than that. Sorry."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"What will it take?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"How many you guys 1, 2, 3 (laughs) I always say 1, 2, 3 not enough for me. I'm hungry for blood. Let's get it."
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Very well, cousin," and I will attack him with my sword.
Tau & Nicholas
(laugh)
Tau
(laughs, then puts on affected voice) "Very well, cousin." I love that.
Tau
I love that so much.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I'll dash into him.
[SFX: Splash dash!]
Nicholas (Alexander)
The bro body check.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Nice.
Nicholas (Alexander)
We're gonna use Artemis...
[SFX: The boon chimes.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
... see if I can land. Okay, the first attack misses. So I swing and I guess he limbos that.
Tau
Yeah.
[SFX: He whiffs it!]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Oof. Second one's a 22. That will miss.
[SFX: It whiffs through the air.]
Tau
I'm gonna say it's like you hit it, but it just like it doesn't even cut into him.
Nicholas (Alexander)
He catches it with both pecs...
[SFX: The sword wooshes then lands hollowly, caught.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
...like down the middle.
Tau
Yeah.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
My chest hair binds the source.
Nicholas (Alexander)
(laughs)
Tau
Yeah.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I put a foot on him to reel it out. And my last hit, can I get it? A 24.
Tau
Nope.
[SFX: The sword whiffs it!]
Amanda (Annie)
(whispers) Frick.
Tau
(sarcasm) Oh, is it annoying to hit people with high AC? Gosh, it would be wild if I ever had to do that.
Nicholas (Alexander)
And that's all I can do. I've already dashed into him.
Tau
All right. Herc, take your legendary action.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
All right, fantastic. "Thanks for the trim brother. It was getting a little long. So, really needed that one. Save me a buck. What currency we use? Who cares? Pay me in wine." So Hercules grabs Arete by his garb...
Michael (Arete)
"(moans softly)"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...draws him close.
Michael (Arete)
"Yeah?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
He says "Watch this." Just drops Arete...
Tau
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
With Alexander and thunderous slams directly horizontal towards the back wall...
[SFX: A crashing BOOM as they hit stone.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
...at a 90 degree angle.
Tau
Okay.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
33.
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Iris?"
[SFX: Iris boon shimmers.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Mmm. 32.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Oof still hits.
Tau
So that's 23 thunder damage.
[SFX: Boom!]
Tau
And you're throwing him into a wall right?
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That's correct.
Tau
All right, you take another nine bludgeoning damage, Alexander.
Michael (Arete)
Arete, having listened to Heracles say that he wanted more people, if we were going to join him, he pulls out his Adonis doll. And he's like "Gods I don't know if this is gonna work," and he just whispers into the ear of the Adonis doll. "Adonis, if you can hear me, we need you. And if you can bring the Olympiad and maybe the other Olympiad too, that'd be great." And Arete waits for a moment to see if anything happens.
[SFX: THUNK.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
"OOF."
Tau
Roll just like a flat d20. And I'm gonna say you have to use your inspiration to even try to get a thing out of this.
Michael (Arete)
That's fine.
[SFX: Inspiration DING!]
Michael (Arete)
So the inspiration was just roll and the roll was an 11.
Tau
You get the idea that you sent a message but you're not able to hear back from it.
Michael (Arete)
And Arete very carefully puts the Adonis doll back in his satchel bag and, I'd say that's the action for the turn and then I turned to Heracles and go "Hey Heracles, bro. I've got some other people that might be in on this gig. Dude."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"First of all, was that a doll you were playing with?"
Michael (Arete)
"Bro, it was an action figure of Adonis. Everybody has one. Their action figures sales are might, maybe even more popular than yours."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"WHAT! Impossible. Continue. What have you say, boy child?"
Michael (Arete)
"We've got some like other Olympiads that are in the running for this thing. And like if we all team up together, that would be pretty sick."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Oh, those tools? Whomst I've whooped every day of my life? Yeah, go ahead and try that. (laughs in douchebaggery)"
Michael (Arete)
"Yeah, but us plus you, ugh, the gains you would get from lifting the gods bro? The squats. Your thighs would be bulging more than your pecs are bro!"
Amanda (Annie)
"Not to mention your dump truuuuck."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"That's right, my dump truck needs a little work. What am I saying? No doesn't, it needs no work. If you can prove to me that you and those 'Olympiads' can team up and defeat me, then we'll talk. For now, (laughs) you are but pottery to mine... strong and dainty hands."
Michael (Arete)
"I'm ready to be sculpted." Arete will end his turn with that.
Tau
Take a legendary action, Herc.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Sounds like a plan, Stan. I'm gonna go ahead and cast a repulsive wave AOE attack. So we're gonna get some lightning damage up in here, you're gonna make some strength saving throws and we're gonna try and collide even further with any of the objects that people are nearby, walls, invisible barriers etc.
Amanda (Annie)
That's a 16 for Annie.
Michael (Arete)
11 for Arete.
Tau
All right, you both take 22 lightning damage and you're already at the wall Alexander, so you don't take more bludgeoning damage. Annie, you're smacked against a wall and take nine bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: Thump!]
Amanda (Annie)
"(cries out)"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Now with everyone busted on back, I'm gonna go ahead and multi attack. Mr. Alexander, my cousin brother. Where is he? Where is he in the arena?
Nicholas (Alexander)
You threw me in a wall.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Ohhhhohoho. I zoot over to him.
[SFX: He whips through the air.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Brother!!! Cousin!!!" I'm not very sure, I'm so vain, I've forgotten who my family members are.
Amanda (Annie)
"It's brother-ish because of Zeus but also I'm a descendant of you. It's really weird."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So I speed passed him. I hit his information and absorb it but the crowd is overtaking my ear...
[SFX: Cheering fades in.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
... and I just hear the support of 1000 hot Grecians and I pin my brother, cousin up against the wall, Alexander.
[SFX: THUMP.]
Michael (Arete)
"Uh huh."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(chuckles) and don't worry, this isn't gonna get a fanfiction.
Tau
Tau has monocle emoji face right now.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I pin Alexander against the wall, and go "Zappy, zappy," and send an electric charge through my body into his, just giving him a little quick cook.
[SFX: A crackle of lightning.]
Tau
Okay, let's roll that up as three multi attacks.
Tau
Fantastic.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Shit.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Alright, so number one is 36.
Nicholas (Alexander)
All right, let's try Iris.
[SFX: Iris boon shimmer.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
33.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay, it still hits.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
And 24.
Nicholas (Alexander)
That one doesn't hit.
Tau
Nice.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
30.
Nicholas (Alexander)
That hits.
Tau
I've already subtracted Athena, you take 40 thunder damage, Alexander, as he electric slams you against the wall with his tight ass bod.
[SFX: A thunderous thump.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
'(groans)"
Tau
Now it is the storm's turn slash the battlefield's turn. The battlefield is going to throw Arete and Annie into the air 90 feet.
Amanda (Annie)
(groans) Ooooh.
Michael (Arete)
Weeeeeeee!
Tau
Okay, Annie, it's your turn.
Amanda (Annie)
Annie's gonna wind fly over to Arete.
Tau
"(tired) Heyyyy."
Amanda (Annie)
"(exhausted) Heyyyy Arete, how you doing? How you holding up? Your- can I just say, I don't think you're acting, I but if you are, you're wonderful at it."
Michael (Arete)
"Which, what, who?"
Amanda (Annie)
"I mean Heracles, your your reaction to Heracles is just really intense. I just wasn't..."
Michael (Arete)
"I don't know. I... only Adonis kind of made me feel this way. It's kind of... gross. But at the same time, I don't know."
Amanda (Annie)
"Arete, how you feeling?"
Michael (Arete)
"Annie, I think you and I know when when it's time to realize that perhaps healing ourselves isn't necessarily the great, best use of our turns. I think getting information is going to be the best way. So don't worry about me."
Amanda (Annie)
"No, I understand. I just feel like, I feel like we're hitting a block with this guy. You know, it's what do you what do you..."
Michael (Arete)
"I think we need to come back with all the other Olympiads together, somehow. That seems to be what he has been saying."
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah, I don't know how to get a bigger group. And here we..."
Michael (Arete)
"Maybe we can buy a contract to make it a bigger Olympiad.
Amanda (Annie)
"That's not a bad idea. Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Michael (Arete)
"It was. I'll see you on the other side."
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah."
Michael (Arete)
"I'm sorry I couldn't get you there this time."
Amanda (Annie)
"No.We- hey, we heyyyy. We got so far this time, Arete. We did so well."
Michael (Arete)
"We did. It's actually quite encouraging."
Amanda (Annie)
"It really is if you think about it. Yeah. I just know the other two might not feel the same."
Michael (Arete)
"Yeah. But hey, I think Rolf has something to fight for now."
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah! This is really cool."
[SFX: Record scratch.]
Tau
This is all happening in the course of six seconds so you're all saying...
Amanda (Annie)
Yes!
Tau
... this at like lightning speed.
Michael (Arete)
(laughs)
Tau
You're talking like the ani- you're talking like the Animal Crossing villagers like (imitates cute garbled villager speech).
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs) Sure. This is good. Annie is going to switch... her charge. You know, why not?
[SFX: Low buzz into a DING!]
Tau
Okay, you go careening back to the earth unless you want to use your movement
Amanda (Annie)
Oh, I'll use my movement. I will move my legs, I'll move my body.
Tau
Yeah, basically you would normally just you would only be able to use your full movement or like 60 feet but because you're also have the help of the crystal and you're doing it with intentionality you can reach the ground safely.
Amanda (Annie)
This is valid, this makes sense.
Tau
All right, Herc, take a legendary action.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"(weakly) Brother, wait."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Alright."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead and polarize Herc's Mjölnir. "Huzzah!"
[SFX: Low buzz into DING!]
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Brother, why are we fighting? Two sons of Zeus? This is me without the help of father, imagine us together. They're not doing anything. They're barely here," and I'm hoping the hurricane... they can't hear all this.
Tau
Yeah, you could do it quietly enough.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Answer me this, my brother, how many followers do you have?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Well, there are a lot of them here. I brought them here to the Underworld, 1000s upon 1000s. I was I was, you know, conquering most of the world. They'll do what I say."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Ah, yes, the Great moniker that you've given to yourself. Me too! I'm Hercules the gaseous! Ooo."
Nicholas (Alexander)
(chuckles) The gaseous.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(makes a fart noise)
Michael (Arete)
He does have an incredible gash. (laughs)
Tau
Oh-kayyy. Alexander, do you do anything on your turn?
Nicholas (Alexander)
(sighs)
Michael (Arete)
I'm terribly sorry.
Amanda (Annie)
No, you're not. No you're not.
Michael (Arete)
No, I'm not.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Meanwhile, Hercules is just picking his teeth. (horrible teeth sucking sounds)
Nicholas (Alexander)
Yeah, while he's picking his teeth, I'll just stab him.
Tau
Okay.
Michael (Arete)
Awww.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I tried. 27 will land. All right, that's 28. Second hit is a 27 again.
Tau
That does hit.
Nicholas (Alexander)
"Let me prove to you what I can do." And I'll kick him off...
[SFX: WooshTHUNK.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
... and then I'll slash boom, while he's picking his teeth, stab the throat.
[SFX: Wet thunk.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
That's the 14 damage. Slash at him again.
[SFX: Wet thunk.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
That's the 15 damage. And I'll use Daedalus for the last attack... which I believe will miss.
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
And I will dash into him...
[SFX: Dash splash!]
Nicholas (Alexander)
...shove him.
Tau
All right, both of you roll a strength contest.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Okay. 25.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
19.
Amanda (Annie)
Woah.
Tau
All right. You shove Herc off of you.
[SFX: Thump!]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(grunts)"
Nicholas (Alexander)
"And I don't even have Zeus with me. He chose you, father liked you best!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"I know it. (wetly clears throat)" Wasn't I stabbed in the throat?
Nicholas (Alexander)
Yes, there was a stab in the throat.
Tau
Okay.
Nicholas (Alexander)
I guess your Adam's apple just like flexed it off. I don't know.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(gurgles wetly, swallowing blood) Zeus did love me more always."
Tau
Yeah, take your legendary action with this Herc.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead and polarize that, change it to negative.
Michael (Arete)
So... Mjölnir's negative, the ground's negative, I'm negative, yes?
[SFX: Low buzz then DING!]
Tau
Yeah.
Michael (Arete)
I'm gonna test something so that way we know for next time.
Amanda (Annie)
(wheeze laughs)
Michael (Arete)
I am going to use my bonus action to change the charge on the crystal the positive.
[SFX: Buzz into DING!]
Michael (Arete)
As I start to fall, because I am assuming I will fall in this case when I change it, I'm going to point it to Mjölnir and hope that I slide towards Hercules.
Tau
Yeah, so the way that works is like you're just using your movement, but you can move that much towards Mjölnir.
Michael (Arete)
Alright, so with the propulsion from the crystal attraction, I draw La Voix and go "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Tau
(amused) Okay.
Michael (Arete)
As I do one last ditch attempt.
Nicholas (Alexander)
Can that be your sneak attack?
Michael (Arete)
It can be a sneak attack because you're close.
Nicholas (Alexander)
(laughs) As you're screaming.
Amanda (Annie)
Whisper scream.
Michael (Arete)
Does a 26 hit?
Tau
It does hit.
Michael (Arete)
Ok. And as I'm screaming, I call out. "ARES, DIONYSUS, help me!!!"
[SFX: The boons cascade.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Hercules is yawning.
Tau
You're watching this come at you in like slow motion.
Players
(laughter)
Tau
You're watching this slow motion but you're like yawning and making such a show of it that it actually does hit you.
[SFX: A deep, wet slash.]
Tau
It just like goes into you while you're looking away.
Michael (Arete)
That does 37 piercing damage.
Tau
You deal 18.
Michael (Arete)
"I... it's nice to be this close to you. (giggles)"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(grunts) This isn't how you liked it? (gruntS) I thought you might like it (grunts) That's all right. (gutterally) Ohhhh."
Michael (Arete)
"I mean, I-I do use I do usually prefer to be pierced."
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Tau
(sarcastic) I had no idea. I could not have put that together.
Michael (Arete)
(laughs)
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"This is ancient Greece, baby. I'll see you at the baths." I'm gonna go ahead and cast the repulsive wave on everyone.
Tau
Alright, just roll a die.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
So that is a six.
Tau
Does a 27 hit everybody?
Nicholas (Alexander)
It meets it. Yeah it does.
Michael (Arete)
Yeah.
Amanda (Annie)
Yes.
Tau
I've already subtracted Athena, everybody takes 20 bludgeoning damage and you're all slammed against the wall, like in mid air and all of you take an additional nine bludgeoning damage.
[SFX: Crunching THUNKS.]
Michael (Arete)
And as Arete slams into the wall, he bursts into a cloud of blood.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Michael (Arete)
But then you hear through the ether of the void that he's just entered "(distantly) DEath defiaaance!" and then Arete's, like, mangled corpse reforms. And he goes "(gasps, whimpering)"
[SFX: Woosh then a bell TOLLS.]
Michael (Arete)
"I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for that."
Tau
As Arete quote unquote "dies" the first time though, the crowd does cheer...
[SFX: The crowd ROARS.]
Tau
...and they start sending all of these boons over to Hercules from the stands.
[SFX: Wooshing, punchy chimes of boons.]
Tau
Somethin' is happening there. Herc, it is your turn.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I'm gonna go ahead and try for a lightning storms. I'm going to roll a d6, see if I can recharge that. Two! All right.
Tau
Okay. Yeah, no lightning storm for you.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Gonna go ahead and do that that thunderous slam, babey. Knock some people back with that.
Tau
You can and it is supercharged right now from the audience.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"(sighs in ecstasy) Your love! (exalted laugh) Let's end this," and then I go ahead and thunder slam... to Alexander.
[SFX: Thunder echoes.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
First one, 40. We have a 30 and we have 36.
Tau
Okay, you take 180 damage, Alexander as it's 60, 60, 60.
[SFX: Echoing, metallic thunder.]
Nicholas (Alexander)
Crash into the wall...
[SFX: Thump!]
Nicholas (Alexander)
...and the glass shatters on the auto injector. Kshh, deet deet deet, and my eyes roll from the back of my head forward again to face my brother.
Tau
Oh man.
Amanda (Annie)
Good lord.
Nicholas (Alexander)
(sighs)
Tau
Alexander when you get knocked out and the auto injector comes in, another boon gets passed on to Heracles.
[SFX: Boon chime.]
Tau
It is the battlefield's turn. The battlefield is going to pull on everybody's charges because it is opposite to everybody. And everybody other than Heracles is going to be immediately yanked to the ground, takes nine bludgeoning damage and everyone is prone.
[SFX: A series of thuds.]
Players
"(grunts of pain)"
Amanda (Annie)
Annie would like to get up from being prone, being slammed into the ground. Thank you for that.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
You're welcome.
Amanda (Annie)
How far is Heracles from her?
Tau
Heracles is 30 feet from you.
Tau
Mmkay. I could be wrong here, right? "Heracles can't be worthy, are you, like come on, hold on like you know like, I don't know."
Tau
Who are you saying that to? Like to the audience?
[SFX: Running footsteps on the dirt ground.]
Amanda (Annie)
No, Annie is saying this to herself. Annie doesn't feel, Annie, Annie read it in a book somewhere, you know, she she she she's heard about Mjölnir, maybe. Once or twice heard Rolf screaming in his sleep about it. And Annie is going to do her best to run towards Heracles...
Amanda (Annie)
...and grab hold of Mjölnir and see if she could just hold it. Just see if she could wield it. That's all she wants to see.
Tau
Annie, make a charisma saving throw.
Amanda (Annie)
Okay, that's a 22.
Tau
All right, a bolt of lightning strikes you to repel you from it...
[SFX: The lightning booms!]
Amanda (Annie)
"(cries out)"
Tau
...but you actually save against it. So you only take half of 48.
Amanda (Annie)
Annie dies.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Amanda (Annie)
Comes right back.
[SFX: Woosh then a bell TOLLS.]
Amanda (Annie)
"(gasps) Just end it!! Gahh!!" And she's just gonna fall to her knees on the floor and she's just screaming. She just, she's never longed for death more in her life than obviously that one time but where, we don't need to talk about that.
Tau
All right. Hercules deliver her with a legendary action.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"So be it."
Amanda (Annie)
"(tiredly sighs, then with venom) Do your worst you stupid dumb, no one actually even likes you!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Moo. Moo."
Amanda (Annie)
"Yeah, do it, you cow!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
(laughs) Heracles beckons. And I go like, "Everyone, come here, I have a secret to tell you, a PAINFUL secret! Come this way!"
Michael (Arete)
"Yes!" As Arete just launches. "YESSSS, TELL ME!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
During this exact magnetic calling, because the crowd has gifted me with multiple boons, I want to appease them. And I want to spin around as gracefully as possible, mirroring that movement of an ice skater...
[SFX: A whirring sound starts up as he spins, faster and faster.]
Michael (Arete)
Oooo.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Just like a top, like a spinning top of sorts. I'm just galavanting Mjölnir in all directions, 360, lightning spewing out and making some sort of arcane noise. "(ROARS)"
[SFX: The whirring grows faster, unleashing a torrent of energy.]
Tau
Everyone in the crowd is just chanting like "(deep) FINISH THEM." The crowd reaches this basically like fever pitch....
[SFX: The crowd cheers.]
Tau
....where everybody is just you can smell everyone's like blood thirst in the air as you do this. So roll your attack roll.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
That is a 34.
Tau
With your four boons, this becomes an 80 damage hit so let's resolve that.
Michael (Arete)
Arete dies. And as he dies, he screams, "Thank you for the lovely vision in a toga, ooooh!"
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Tau
Arete says that, it's like you only hear his voice because as you smash Mjölnir into him, like he dematerializes like a Thanos snap thing. So you just like hear the voice. What happens to Annie, does that does the same thing happen to Annie? I don't know.
Amanda (Annie)
Yeah, I guess the same thing happens to Annie.
Tau
All right, finish her.
Amanda (Annie)
"(bitter) Yeah. Put on a show, show. Go ahead. Listen to what your GOD says."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Annie. Your name is Annie, correct?"
Amanda (Annie)
"Nothing without your God." And Annie spits out blood. "(whispers) Nothing without your god."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"Ooo." The blood hits Heracles eyes, as he wipes it away, he goes. "Ah, yes, the familiar smell. Thank you for gifting me with this delicious substance."
Amanda (Annie)
"What? What does that mean?"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
He just flings her disemboweled corpse to the ground.
[SFX: THUNK.]
Tau
As you spike her down into the ground, it does like like when somebody like hits like the very bottom of the stage in Super Smash Brothers, like that type of like blood like splatter goes up in the air.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Tau
And she's gone. Alexander, what happens?
Nicholas (Alexander)
Well, as he spins Mjölnir, it knocks Alexander's head off but then his head reforms for (chuckling) death defiance.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"The Hydra!"
Tau
So you smash Alexander's head, you pull a full "Hereditary" on him, like his head just goes clean off...
[SFX: Quick wet scrape.]
Tau
...another one appears in its place.
[SFX: Woosh then a bell TOLLS.]
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"I'd say this one's more handsome than the last."
Nicholas (Alexander)
Ohh. All right, now it is your actual turn, Heracles.
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
I, Heracles, chooses to multi attack in Alexander's direction. Heracles closes the gap and distance between him and his brother blood cousin relative, comes up close to him. Whispers to him, "Alexander, I'll see you at the next family function. And bring a... sack of wine for me," and goes ahead and with a fury of blows, decides to just pinpoint all the the weak points in Alexander's body. It's an aggressive massage.
Tau
Heracles goes "Wadabadabadabdabdabdaba!"
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
Verbatim, verbatim.
Tau
Yeah, exactly that. And then, the crowd just absolutely loses it.
[SFX: The crowd cheers.]
Tau
As it goes like slow motion. And you here "K-O!" And Alexander slow motion falls to the ground as he lets out a cry of pain.
Amanda (Annie)
"(struggling) I-I can't wait to face you when I'm a demigod."
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
"What? I can't hear you over the followers!"
Nicholas (Alexander)
I melt away from this annoying atrocious human.
[SFX: Wet explosion.]
Amanda (Annie)
(laughs)
Tau
Heracles falls-
Giorgio Volpe (Heracles)
In a graceful way.
Tau
Yeah, in a superhero fall, as his cape billows behind him, you hear all these camera flashes...
[SFX: Click, click, flash!]
Tau
...as people are like taking all these super like Greek photos of him somehow.
[SFX: Punchy music fades in.]
Tau
You hear his Heracles theme blaring in the background and we fade to black.
[SFX: Outro music.]
ROGUE RUNNERS Volume 1: In the Blood, stars our players Nicholas Benetatos as Alexander the Great, Amanda Facosta as Anastasia Pantazis, Giancarlo Herrera as Rolf Yannik, and Michael Pisani as Arete Laskaris. Heraces is played by Giorgio Volpe. Dungeon Mastering and NPC voices are by me, Tau Zaman. Cover art by Chandler Candela. Audio editing by Daniel Manning. Sound design and editing by Giancarlo Herrera. Title music by Sage G.C., with vocals by Jessica Dahlgren and Sage G.C. Character theme music by Giorgio Volpe. Additional music by Epidemic Sound. Transcription by Eli Barraza.
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